On a Wednesday

“Sounds like you’ve built a great life, now all you have to do is live it.” Dave Troger.

I’m finally slowing down and able to reflect this last week

Last Wednesday I packed up the Jeep to what was for sure to be an Adventure. Texas. Going back to hang with family, friends and play paintball. 

We arrived at Paintball Fit Friday, Brad, Lance and I. They were getting ready for the Texas Cup league. I quickly learned the field has been up awhile and we were behind. I asked the owner JD if Lance and I could get paint and run drills.

Here we go!

We started at 10am went to 6pm. Go. Go. Go. Again again again.

At 6:30 night ball began. We played and stayed at the field till 9pm. 

First tournament back was a three man. I was able to hook up with a couple ballers from Chicago and Minnesota. I had fun, it felt good being back in the game. Started the first match by myself. Ran and gunned up the 50 hopefully that a dude was going to walk into my stream. I walked into his. Game over. 5 seconds max. 

Cherry popped. We didn’t move on. 

Sunday was the 5 man. This is how the game is played. Today was going to be work. We got worked.

Work. I have to do more.

I asked the field owner if I could work for paint and field time. Yesterday I cleaned the fields and got a couple hours of gun time.

Today I’ll be heading in to work a little, run drills with the owners and to play under the lights till 9pm!

Thank you Dave.

Waupaca Curling Club

I don’t quite remember when I saw my first game, but I was young. My grandpa and grandma played. When we were old enough. My uncle, brother, grandpa and myself entered into a rookie bonspiel. 

And for a bit of time that’s the last I curled.

Four years ago I started curling. Grandpa was I’ll with cancer. It would be a good bond between us. I called him often, every match we played. He gave me advice and told me tricks of the game. He passed before I became the high school coach.

One of my biggest goals at our club was to become a board member. Last year was very difficult for the club, membership wise. I ran for a position, was told I wasn’t a member, voted in as a member by the members, didn’t win the seat. The knowledge I obtained during that whole time was priceless. A couple of board members resigned leaving openings. 

I was appointed a seat by the board. 

April is the member meeting, where I look to be voted in by our members. 

Where I find myself

Currently in my friends basement bedroom unable to sleep. To date this year has been an interesting one.

Found out dad has cancer

Had a mental breakdown 

Bella and Casey passing

Divorced

Fired

Appointed a board position at the Curling Club

The Corvette is bringing good news

Met a beautiful special person 

New job

Each one of these topics will be written about. I’m currently unable to grasp all the things that have happened. I’m unable to breath. I’m hoping that writing about it will solve this.

 

Time for new shoes.

Keep your right foot on the ground. Now move forward without moving it.

Can you do it?

No. I'm in the same spot. I can't lift my foot. An excuse. Time passes and I'm still here unable to move. Sadness. I don't understand why I can't move my foot, or why this is happening to me. Confusion. Days come and go. Light, dark, light, dark... light, dark. I'm still here. Despair. I'm unable to move.

Yes. I can feel and see my body moving forward. A step. Taking this step feels good. Happiness. I can feel the wind in my hair, my muscle working, breathing is controlled, with my eyes on the goal. Hope. I'm moving forward. 

These are two completely different answers. One answer you know to be true, while the other could also be true. It's up to you.

How are you?

I wouldn't mind a hug.

A moment. A flash, it happens too fast. You were there. You were concerned. You held out a hand.

You opened my eyes.  

Nice to see you Miles.

I love you. 

Egg Shells

I'm not broken

Nor will I ever be

Cracked

A little past due

Not broken

Have no fear when you handle me

I'm not like all the other eggs

Cracked

Still not broken

I love it when you show me with pride

You polish me

See my imperfections

And call it perfection

I'm defiantly a little past due

Keep me warm

Always in sight

Thanks for the wink

Have a good night; sweet dreams I love you too

I'm Not broken

Nor will I ever be

Cracked

A little past due

Not broken

I'm a rock

Rainbow

Twenty Five miles an hour. That's how fast I was traveling when I saw a rainbow about to go under my tire. It just snowed here and a rainbow knitted bag just appeared.

Flashers on, stop and reverse.

It's someone's purse.

A thirty second drive, I'm at the door. No one is home. I left a note.

Ah hour later Richard drove up. He was in tears, we quickly embraced. A deep strong warm hug. I've met this man a few times. Never would I have thought we would be hugging.  He asked what he could do. I said that I was a friend and expect nothing in return. He informed me his wife was about to lose another toe and that he was bringing her wallet to her. He left it on top of the car. He was very stressed. I invited him inside where Bella did her thing. Right on cue she help comfort the man. Smiles and laughter now filled the air. We talked a little, dinner dates were set in the spring.

Our time together could have been no more then 5 min. We followed the rainbow to the end. We found the golden pot.

It was filled with friendship. 

Pucks.

The floor.

At the moment I can not recall how I ended up here. I’m definitely in a safe place and warm. My thoughts are gone; am I dreaming? Memories are flooding back in, love, fear, pain, understanding, clarity, peace. A punch. My best friend just hit me right below the eye and is now helping understand what I’m seeing. I saw the punch. I asked for it. 2 didn't want to do it again; punch another friend. But, he was going to give it a go. He set up, weight shifted, I said “I love you”. The floor

Open 

We talked about what we both learned. I was no longer afraid to take a punch, at least not many. 2 had no fear of punching me. 2 said outright “No one ever wants to hit me.” I said “I will 2." How many times have you asked? I thought to myself. Open.

Love

Do I want to hit my best friend? No. This man is awesome. He married Jessie and I. Has a hockey puck pad in his garage! Solid dude. He wants me to. Problem is, I don’t punch people. In my mind it became a crash. You know it’s going to happen, you can’t stop it from happening, you can shift or direct your path to least resistance. You crash. Love.

Committed

Weight set, target acquired, under the jaw. My fist stopped once connected, I felt weight, solid. Not that my punch was solid, but the man I was punching, felt solid. He stumbled to the couch, sat, stood up “I’m not sure I could take many more of those.” Committed

Understanding

2 and I had an interesting few days. I’m not sure why it happened, but I know it was supposed to happen. You think you know someone. I’ve known 2 for about ten years. Knew, know known, never new? It’s all now irrelevant, thanks to a simple punch. The floor became my safe place. Open to learn. Fear disappeared, replaced by love. Doors which were once locked now open. A higher understanding of each other. We became…

Friends.

#cxisstupid

The beginning of a business. Cool eh?

The Wave.

It’s time to ride again, figuratively.

There’s nothing more important in life than Jessie, family, friends and of course my own mental health. If it’s one thing I have, it’s that I’m a very optimistic person. That has changed over the last few months, I’ve become detached from everyone, not riding my bike and very pessimistic. My friends became worried, Jessie sure isn’t stoked about it and with her headed up to WI I was able to spend some time reflecting.

I was trying to be someone I’m not.

We all have different priorities and goals in life. Everyone is different. Some people have kids, responsibilities, houses, cars… financial burden anyone? Not to mention the mental strain these things provide. Going to school was never a means to climb the corporate ladder. My goal was to become educated, a purely intrinsic reward that many of my professors picked up on. We don’t have a house, I’m driving my last car for a while and after she dies we’ll be a one car family. Kids are on the back burner; adoption isn’t out of the question, maybe later in life. I would like someday to have a little bit of land and a small home on it were Jessie and I can have Whiner Dog sanctuary.

Dreamer.

Yeah, that’s what I am and you know what, Jessie loves that. Life is way too damn short to be not happy. I’m headed back to the bike shop. I haven’t worked at one for about 13 years. I was the youngest Service Manager at Eriks at the age 19. I’m I excited about making less than I did back then? Yes. Which is funny kind of, but it's true. I’ll also be spending some time working on cyclecrossisstupid.com, spending time with Jessie and riding my bike. 

"Living the dream"

I’ve lived a great life. Have seen and experienced many things. Things people dream about. Maybe by this time next year Jessie and I will be camping around the US while she’s on summer break.

That sounds like a good plan to start formulating.

Fuck it, let’s just wing it baby. 

Quantifying success limits it's capabilities into the box you put it in. Something to think about...

Who’s coaching your kids?

This shouldn't be news to anyone; Kevin Livingston is the owner of Pedal Hard fitness center in the basement of Mellow Johnny's and also in a Big Shark Bicycling Company in St. Louis. Kevin rode professional for many years and NEVER tested positive while in competition. There was some retroactive testing done in 2004 for his samples from the tour in 98/99 and guess what was in those? EPO duh!

He was a great doper. Better then Lance and way better that all those Astana jokers.

So let’s get back to the title of this post. I can give a rats shit if you’re a 45 year old Cat. 4 who wants to be coached by this really good ex doper. You might get faster, slower, but really who cares.

I’m a little upset to learn that he coaches a U23 Development Team. Do you see where we’re taking this?

From a developmental view having a coach is great. I can name about 5 good ones with college degrees and high level racing experience who NEVER doped. If I were a parent I would be stoked to learn that my kid made it on a decent U23 team and then be destroyed to learn that one of the main sponsors is owned by an ex doper who also happens to be a coach for the team. What does that teach my child? #itpaystodope

Let’s let Kevin sum this up, since he says it best.

"My goal in starting Pedal Hard is to use my years of experience to help people explore their potential." Kevin Livingston Founder of Pedal Hard

It sounds funny doesn't it?

http://velonews.competitor.com/2013/07/news/pantini-ullrich-among-1998-tour-riders-positive-for-epo_296750

http://pedalhard.com/

https://www.facebook.com/pages/U23-Development-Team/604354686276789

http://bigshark.com/about/little-sharks-youth-triathlon-team-pg932.htm

Don't get me started about all the dopers still in our sport. We have enough to clean up in our own back yard. 

2014

Here we go!

Frustrations of Job Searching

Bike Ride

On my way home from work

Got laid off, what a joke

Car is on E

Is this what’s like to have a college degree?

Got home sat down typed up some rhymes

Thinking maybe someone someday will pick up my lines

All I want to do is live the American dream

Like you see on TV

Been searching for that dream

On websites like Monster and SHRM

Frustrated to say the least

Trying to stay ahead

Fuck it, I’m going to go ride my bike instead.

 

Cheers

Here I am not feeling so well

Lying in bed if you can’t tell

Almost graduated getting a degree

That’s what the world said would set me free

 But here I am on my knees

Looking for a job- I’m not alone

Flashy insurance man with heavy cologne

Telling me to tell people to sell their souls

                Nahh man that’s not the job for me

Standing now on my two feet

Still don’t have a job, feeling some defeat

 But up here I can see

The world around me drinking Hennessey

 Spending on credit

-You don’t have

 Living large

-You can’t afford

 Giving false hope to the masses

Come on lets tip our glasses

Come on let it go

The world around you is nothing but a show

So tip you glasses lets say cheers

The whole world around you is in tears

 



It's time...

to dust this bad boy off.

Personal Days

School has been going really well. Last semester I picked up 2 As and a B. Not too bad considering all the work I was doing and I was being told I was crazy to take it all on. The amount does hit me though sometimes. Take today, a Personal Day. We all have that day where we wake up and just don’t want to do what we normally do. Like Peter in Office Space where he just sleeps in and then goes fishing. I’m having one of those days. I cleaned up a bit, made some coffee and am about to write some flash cards for a test that’s coming up. So far this semester I’m pulling 2 As again and a really high B or low A. Couple more weeks. Then an online Art Appreciation class in the fall and I’ll be done. For now.

So it’s facebook official. Jessie wants to announce to the world I love her. ;) “She’s one cool chick” Grandma. I like being around her. Best advice I’ve ever got was from my good friend in Minnesota. He told me the best relationships will be the ones where you’re not even trying and that everything works out with no drama, crying or arguments. Now I’ve had some good relationships, but none that have been this simple. Not only does she make me happy, she also makes everyone around her that much brighter.

Having all that time off the bike has hurt. My form is nowhere close where it was at OKC. I think that was the decline of my fitness and I was holding onto it with just 5 or so hours a week. Well I started back up training again and with some advice from Collin I’ll be fit enough to run my mouth again in the peloton soon. 

Summer school...

is wearing me out! I'm trying to find a balance, got to find a balance. I'll get a little more free time after this weekend. I plan on taking some time off from riding to focus on school and other things I have going on.

I haven't seen Jessie in two weeks! She's super understanding. I like her a lot.

 ---

Racing has been going well after JMSR. I think I have been riding is only 5 hours a week then I race on the weekends. Which seems fine for only racing crits. I got 18th at Bike the Bricks and 16th at OKC Pro/Am. It's also cool to do races that pay out to 20th place! With those “results” I was able to pay for rent, entry and gas money to them. Tulsa Tough is this weekend. I think the Watt Posse is going to win some. Hope to see you out there.

2012 JMSR Stage 3

What a difference a year makes. This last weekend PACC/WATT POSSE headed over to Joe Martin Stage Race. We had a strong team with Corey riding very well and Collin setting things on fire the last few weeks. Having a top ten on the GC was a given for both of the guys. While we didn’t end up with both of them in the top ten, Corey got 9th and Collin had a hard weekend on the bike… I mean when you get beat by me in the TT!!! :)

All that aside though the weekend was great and on a more personal note was a total 180 change from last year. There I was on Saturday’s road race, we missed the break with our GC guy and I had tons of work ahead to do. I immediately got to the front to do my job and pull it back. With the help of Rusty we were able to keep them close, but no one else would work in the race. As we were on the front hitting it as hard as we could the time was still going up. Once Rusty and I blew up the GC was up the road. The time gap was like 8 minutes. As I slowly slipped off of the back of the field my mind was a complete wreck. My fitness was subpar, my heart was broken, school sucked, and there I was slowly slipping off the back to ride the next 40 some miles by myself. At one point I came to the realization that I didn’t even want to race my bike anymore. I was sick of the pain, traveling, lack of results and just plain tired. Tears were running down my face, I wanted out. All that I’ve I worked for, going to MSU for cycling, going to Belgium to race and the countless hours on the bike were for what? But I kept on riding, pushing forward at a pace where I could finally see the beautiful stream on the side of the road, hearing the kids clap for me and the corner marshals telling me to keep going. Keep going… as I thought to myself as I dismounted and stood on top of a hill in one of the most beautiful places in the US… I finally heard the birds chirping, cows mooing and the pain of racing was gone… keep going. At this point the tears were far from being held back. When I got to the finish everything was taken down. Racers were long gone and my car was the only one in the parking lot. I wanted to go home.

That night was hard, I talked to anyone and everyone about hanging up the race wheels and moving on to directing the team or being the race mechanic. This decision would have to be slept on.

You can see my helmet just behind the guy on the right.

One year later. We missed the break again, but this time we had Greg Hercules on the team. To the front he went, miles after miles the gap was coming down to the large break. The first 20-30 riders were all single file because he was pushing the 53/11 at a pace which would destroy most. In the back of my mind I remembered last year and how I did that same thing only to be blowing off the back at a quick pace. But, there he was on the front again, even after the big hill!!! With about 10 miles to go the break was back. Greg’s job for the day was going to be our field sprinter for the long run into the finish. He gave up that role the instant he hit the front miles ago. We talked about it and he said go for it.

Ten miles out it was getting fun. Since there was a yellow line rule the road was small, so keeping your position required some bumping, grinding and sharp accelerations. The finish was coming up quick 1000m, the yelling began “That’s my @^@%# Wheel” I let him have it, it was going nowhere. 700m, watching the flow in the top 20, staying out of the ditch and watching for the road cones. 600m, Wow this is coming up fast! 500m, the field swung over to the left, Cagle shot out on the right, only one other person jumped, I was kind of boxed in. 400m, the field flowed to the left. A guy came around me going real fast, a kid jumped tying to get to him, I jumped onto his wheel. 300m Cagle and the Mercy guy were just up the road, the kid in front of me wasn’t catching the 787 rider. 200m the kid threw out the anchor, shit it’s too early to go but I had to start. We were coming up fast and the 2 riders where getting close. I hit is hard as I could on the left side of the road. 100m, I could win this! Am I going fast enough? Was I just leading everyone else out? 50m, I lost the race but 3rd? 40m, a rider passed me on my right. 30m, shit I’m pulling the field and am going to get swarmed at the line. Finish came up fast 4th. And I was leading out the field… no one could come around. A difference a year makes.

Time to take a break and focus on school, go up to Minnesota with Jessie for Muckers wedding, and maybe graduate in the summer. See you all in Minnesota soon. Jessie is excited to meet all of you!

Mental Health Update

It’s true, I may be a little impulsive and irrational sometimes. As I file for graduation I can’t help to think that if I didn’t miss last semester I would be graduating in a month or so. As I look deeper I know that to be bullshit. If I would have stayed in Wichita Falls and tried to “gut it out” I probably would have dropped out of school. Heading to Tucson was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I got fit again, met my beautiful girlfriend Jessie (again), had a fun job, made some new friends, got to wake up to the mountains every day, had a cool internship with Unique Designs by Kathy, got to hang out with grandpa and grandma a bit and had the support of my good friend Megan and her family.

I’m all good now!!!

So the point is?

When you’re low, make a change! Don’t wait to do it. Life is too short to jack around with the stupid shit that happens. Talk it over with your love ones to make sure they know how you’re doing, make a plan to change your situation, and then implement it. If you need help, that’s why you have friends and family.

My only regret of going to Tucson was not getting there sooner. Thank you Jessie, family and friends, without you all I would be in some serious trouble.

Dating tip #8

Put your cell phone away and keep it on silent!

Nothing stops holding hands quicker than having your cell phone in one. Also how are you supposed to look into her eyes if you’re always looking at your phone?

Nothing kills the mood of a first make out session quicker than your partner’s phone blowing up. Your date should be number one priority. It’s all about respect people.

Mental Health

How is yours? With today’s declining economy, bleak future and uncertainty my mind is in a constant worry. But, it’s not the for mentioned problems that make me worry, it’s far simpler than that. I’m worried about my own health. It should be no surprise to my friends that I’ve been in a dark place for over a year. Riding the waves up and down not really being able to pull up to where I was a few years ago.

It seems that the hardest thing I have to do in a day is just waking up. I love going to work and riding, but I could stay in bed all day till work started and not even look at my bike. Having my good friend Phillip here for a few days opened my eyes a bit that they way I have been living wasn’t me.

I though coming out here to Tucson would have easily fixed my problem. But I guess it’s not as simple as I thought it was.

It’s time that I take ownership that all is not right and try to change it. I know it’s not going to be easy and in fact may take a long time. I do feel lucky though that I have great friends and family to keep me smiling throughout the day and heading down the right path.

---

I wrote the above 9 days ago. Since, I've been riding the "pride spiral", applying to school, looking for places to live in Wichita Falls and most importantly riding my bike. Ready for the fun to begin. Who am I kidding... I'm already having fun!